Master of Disguise Kanako does this to Shinobu and Kaolla in chapter 92 of Love Hina The final story arc of Soul Eater features Kilik, Kim and Ox using the robes of some defeated Arachnophobia grunts to infiltrate one of the madness relay stations.
Authors note: I've got to say thanks again to the reviewers, it is so nice to read your feed back and I appreciate the time you take to leave it. I try to respond to them all unless it's a guest or you're not logged in, then I can't since FF doesn't allow me to so thank you to the 'guest' reviewers as well!
Also, a link to the pinterest page for this story: FSSAS/fifty-shades-slow-and-steady/
APOV
Ho-ly shit. I did not see that coming. Christian Grey is a victim of a sexual predator and he not only still has her in his life but he defends what she did. I have been sitting on this lounge chair on this beautiful balcony overlooking a gorgeous view of Seattle for over an hour but the ugliness of his revelation strikes at me again and again.
The master of his universe and CEO of a multi-billion dollar corporation is defending a child molester because she has fucked his head up so badly that he thinks she helped him. Holy fucking shit. No wonder he hasn't had any healthy relationships, his own mother died because getting high was more important than taking care of her small child and a grown woman taught him that love was for idiots and that the only way to be with someone was to control and dominate them.
This is so far beyond my meager abilities and yet he's entrusted this to me. I have little doubt that no one, outside of this Flynn shrink he claims to see, knows about what's happened to him. Why did he tell me? What does he expect me to do with this? How can I ever be in the same room with her again?
As the minutes drag on and Christian doesn't reappear it's my own actions that I begin to question. Instead of listening and supporting him I threw a deluge of questions at him, demanding answers that he wasn't prepared to give. He probably hates you right now. I clean our glasses and change for class but another 20 minutes goes by before I work up enough courage to knock on the office door. My strong, domineering, controlling, aggressive, protective, charming man is staring out the window with his hands in his pockets and his shoulders slumped. My heart aches for him in his self-imposed solitude.
She did this to him.
He says nothing when he sees me but watches me approach, letting me touch his cheek and I swear he sighs and leans into my hand. I want to embrace him and love the hurt out of him but he's silent and withdrawn. He thinks you're disgusted with him. I can only tell him that he's not to blame and that he has nothing to feel ashamed about. He needs to know that I know he's a good man but the cold stare of his eyes don't soften or change and I turn to go, my tears threatening to spill over until I climb into the waiting car.
'Three minute hover, go.' This is the last place I want to be right now. I want to be with Christian while he works through the barrage of questions I so insensitively hurled at him. When the timer goes off it startles me. The mental image of him alone in that huge apartment claws at my heart and I debate whether or not I should call him or go back unannounced. He shouldn't be alone, he's been alone too long already.
I push myself and my class to the limit, forcing my advanced Pilates class to preform to professional standards so that I can work out the anger that has seeped into my psyche. I vacillate for two hours on what I should do and ultimately opt to go home. He told Mrs. Jones that he was going to his parents' house tonight but I send him a text anyway in the hopes that he'll call me.
I meant what I said, Christian. You are a good man and I'm so grateful you're in my life.
As the hours go by I check my phone hundreds of times but there's no response.
Walking into Grey House on Monday morning is more nerve wracking than walking into brunch yesterday. Taylor is there as usual to greet me and escort me upstairs and I study his face in the elevator. Does he know?
'Is Christian in his office?'
'He's in meetings all morning, Ms. Steele.' In other words, don't knock on his door.
I'm dressed in an echo of my mood, black dress, black heels, black jewelry. Somber and distressed. Barney is waiting for me in my office when I walk in and busies himself with teaching me about my new iPhone and MacBook with the latest video chat technology.
'Why all the new gadgets, Barney? What I have now works just fine.'
'Mr. Grey wanted you to have the newest equipment. This phone isn't even available in stores yet, you've got one of nine that have been distributed, Mr. Grey has another.' Who the hell cares? Does it make and receive calls? Great.
'Who's got the other seven?'
'No idea, probably developers and upper management at Apple. I'm on the waiting list for mine but I've got almost two months before it's out.' Boys and their toys, I just don't get it.
The morning drags on and no matter how many times I go towards his office to 'get coffee' or check up with Andrea, his door is always closed. She offers to let me in twice since those are her instructions from Christian should I ever want him but I know better. If he wanted to see me, he'd have come to me by now. I know Taylor told him I had arrived and I know he knows I've gone out for coffee already since freaking Sawyer was in the lobby and followed me to Starbucks.
Hi, I'm getting something to eat, can I pick you up anything?
-No thanks you I'm fine.-
My heart drops at the formality and the dismissive tone of his text but a few minutes later as I'm standing in line at the deli I hear a ping and my heart jumps back to life.
-I'm in a lunch meeting but I'll come by when I'm finished.-
I race back to the office just in case his meeting ends early. I'd hate to not be there when he finally comes by but it's another two hours before he strolls in and shuts the door. The stubble dusting his jaw and chin along with the tiredness surrounding his eyes speaks to a long night. Even now he looks exhausted and distracted with his suit jacket off, tie loosened and sleeves rolled up. Tired or not, the man is gorgeous and I stare unashamedly at the beautiful broken man in front of me.
I force myself to remain in my chair, his body language isn't screaming 'come touch me' so I don't and instead he sits down across from my desk and leans his elbows on his knees, running his hands through that perfect just fucked hair. I haven't moved at all, I'm not even sure I've blinked yet. I say nothing, I move nothing, I don't even breath until he starts to speak and even then I'm as still as I can be, afraid that he'll stop talking if I do anything to draw attention to myself.
'I'm sorry for shutting down on you yesterday.' Those piercing grey eyes fixate on mine and hold me captive. His hands hang limply between his legs, his elbows still on his knees, his entire demeanor weary and cautious.
'I'm sorry for jumping on you the way I did. I should have been more sensitive, I was just completely thrown for a loop. Please, please forgive me, Christian. You've done nothing to warrant feeling like the bad guy here.'
'Ana, I am the bad guy. I have done things with women that would probably terrify and disgust you. I had never thought about my…introduction to sex in the way that you painted it. I had always seen myself as an equal to her, a horny teenage kid with a really cool secret and when you called me a victim it floored me. I've never seen myself that way and frankly it pissed me off to have you see me as weak.'
'Christian! I do not think you were weak, being a victim does not make you weak. It makes you a victim.' He rests his head in his hands again and I go to him, pulling the chair next to his closer and resisting the urge to touch him. I know all about being a victim.
'Ana, I have spent years in therapy, YEARS and I have never once done anything but defend Elena's actions but when you put Mia in my place it rocked me. Disgusted me, angered me and opened my eyes to something I had never thought about.' He looks up at me then and the anguish behind those stormy greys is palpable. 'I've allowed her to be in my parent's home, at their dinner table, attending functions and lunches with my mother after what we did. I'm sick!'
'No, no, no, no, you are not sick, Christian. You've been manipulated for years by someone you trusted as your friend. She's the sick one, not you. You have to believe me when I say that.' I can't resist comforting this man anymore so I reach out and lay my hand on his forearm, lightly squeezing it to reassure him but a knock on the door rudely intrudes and he jumps up and walks towards the door swinging it open.
'Uh, hello, Mr. Grey. I uh, I'm here to see if Ana's got the bullet points from her call on Friday.'
'She'll email them to you Mr. Mendington.' He growls at the man in the doorway before turning back to me and shutting the door again. 'Another one.' He mumbles under his breath before standing in front of me and leaning against my desk with his arms crossed.
'Christian,' I start but he interrupts me.
'Ana, you barely know me, you have no idea some of the twisted shit I've done, the things that I wanted in my life. I'm never going to be good enough for someone like you.'
'How can you say that?'
'Because I'm fifty shades of fucked up and you're not. You deserve someone who can give you hearts and flowers and who doesn't bring a truckload of bullshit along with them. Everything about you is good and right and I have nothing to offer you other than darkness and angst. I like you, Ana. A lot. Enough to want what's best for you and I'm not it.' He pushes himself up from the desk and squares his shoulders defiantly, meeting my stunned look straight on.
'We'll continue to work together and I'd like for us to continue being friends but whatever it is that we started last weekend, it has to end before you get hurt. It would crush me to be the one to hurt you, Ana.'
I want to tell him that he's hurting me right now by not giving me a chance to be with him. I may not know all of his secrets, I may not have a firm grasp on what his lifestyle encompasses but I do know that I want Christian Grey in a way I've never wanted a man before and his refusal of me is shredding the tiny bit of self-esteem I've worked so hard to gather. Well, fuck him then. Maybe this is just his way of shoving you off, he's probably gotten sick of you already, you knew you couldn't hold a man like him for long! What an idiot I was.
'I don't know what to say to you, Christian. If that's what you want, then fine. I'll cc you the points that I've pulled from the latest addendum and we'll touch base at the meeting on Wednesday. Are there any specifics you need answered, I'll be speaking with the plant manager today?'
He's shocked and obviously a bit hurt by my quick dismissal but what the hell does he want me to do? You dump something so huge and shocking on my lap and then pull away? I don't get it! Why tell me? The same question that has plagued me since he offered to stay and babysit that first night rears up again; what does he want from me?
His eyes grow a bit larger when I open the door and I inwardly laugh, I'm kicking him out of what is technically his office. He walks slowly but leaves, turning to face me when he's in the hallway. I want so badly to slam the door right in his face but I won't because I know that underneath that crap he just threw at me is a guy who really was victimized and still hasn't come to terms with it. She continues to control him, even after all these years.
He sighs. 'Ana, I don't want to upset you. That's not my intention.'
I sigh back, resting my head on the cool wood of the door and close my eyes. 'I know, but you did. I'm speaking with the Chinese at 7pm so if you have anything to add before then, just email me please.' I offer him a small smile and close the door.
CPOV
'Darling! How wonderful to hear from you!'
'Elena, why did you approach Anastasia on Saturday night after I told you to stay away from her?' I'm disgusted with myself for calling her but I need to be angry at someone right now and she's the perfect candidate.
'Of course she ran back and reported to you. Christian, do you really think a girl like that is going to want to be a part of your lifestyle? Have you not deduced that she's after your money? You men are all the same, led around by your dicks and little else.'
'Anastasia and I aren't dating, Elena so your theory is bullshit. I asked you a question. Do you have no regard for my demands?'
'Oh, I know all about your demands, Christian, I taught them to you. Someone has to protect you darling and if I'm the only one who knows about your…proclivities, then I'm the one who needs to do it. She's nothing more than a gold digger! No one's even heard of her on the scene, no prior Dom's, no membership to any of our clubs, nothing. She comes out of nowhere and all of the sudden she's working right next to you and sitting at a function with your family! How blind can you be?'
My head is pounding, the tension banding around it like a vise. I hate this woman and yet I still have her in my life. I am so fucked up.
'Elena, why did you never encourage me to talk to my parents about my issues when I was younger?'
She sputters, completely caught off guard by the change in direction this conversation has taken. We have never spoken about my initiation into this world we live in and I realize, albeit belatedly, that she has dictated every conversation about it we've ever had. She's controlled it all from day one. My pit of self loathing grows deeper by the minute.
'What? What are you talking about Christian? For fucks sake you wanted it! All I did was help steer you to what you wanted, what you needed and it changed everything for you.' She snickers and my stomach turns, 'You were always eager for more, do you remember those first few years, Christian? My God you couldn't get enough.'
I close my eyes and hang my head in shame because she's right. I used every excuse I could to be with her. There wasn't one time when she called for me that I didn't run to her as quickly as I could, not one time I refused her, not one time I didn't want to fuck her. I was as much a part of it as she was. Ana's wrong, I was a willing participant, not a victim.
Flynn's words cut through my brain and fight the demon within me.
'You were a child, you couldn't be a willing participant.'
'The age of consent is 18, there's a reason for that.'
'Physical response doesn't equal willing participant.'
'Molested, molested, molested.'
'The age of consent is 18, there's a reason for that.'
'Physical response doesn't equal willing participant.'
'Molested, molested, molested.'
'Shut the fuck up! Just shut up, Elena! How can you still be friends with my mother?'
'Christian! Where is this coming from? I helped you! Do you know how happy your parents were when you turned your life around? How thrilled they were when you stopped fighting and drinking and being a little shit? For fucks sake, I was a good friend to her, her best friend because I helped her son!'
I'm so confused, even more than I was before I called her. Did she help me or hurt me like Ana and Flynn have suggested? Is she the reason I'm so stunted in my emotional availability? The reason I keep a safe distance from my own fucking family? Or would I be dead or in prison right now had she not stepped in when she did? My headache is a full on migraine now and speaking has become difficult. Why did I call her? I wish Ana were here.
'Did you tell her, Christian? Did you tell that little whore about us?' I can barely speak right now, the roar and the throb in my skull has become all consuming and I lie to her for the first time just to shut her up.
'No. And if you ever speak of her again like that, you will come to regret it deeply.'
'Good, you had me worried. She could never understand what we have. I know you've refused my offers for a new submissive twice now but I'm setting up an appointment for Shayla for this week, I've had enough of watching you crumble. You're Christian fucking Grey for God's sake, get your shit together.'
I just hang up and walk to my bedroom where I take two Advil's and then lie down on my huge empty bed. I've never fallen asleep in the middle of the day but between the tension of returning from Japan and the conversations with Ana and Elena, I fall exhausted into a fitful sleep.
When my phone rings I answer it without looking, still half asleep. 'Christian, where are you?' Mia's high pitched voice vibrates in my ears and it takes me a minute to remember where I am and where I'm supposed to be. I quickly glance at the clock on my night table and jump up, I've been lying here for close to two hours.
'Shit, sorry. Just start without me, I'm leaving now, I'll be there in 20 minutes.'
'You were supposed to come early for my slide show!'
'I know, Mia, I'm sorry. I had a headache and fell asleep, I'm leaving now.'
'You fell asleep? Just now? Oh. I'm sorry, I didn't realize. I can show you another time if you'd prefer.' Her demeanor softens and the familiar feeling of being a constant disappointment flashes through me again.
'I'm coming now, hold dinner if Mom's ok with it. I'll watch your show after, OK?'
I drive like a bat out of hell and pull into my parent's home just in time for dinner. Eating is the last thing I want to do right now but my mom is watching me closely, Mia must have told her about the headache. Great, now she's concerned for me too.
I've not responeded to Ana's text, I just can't. Her faith in me only adds to the heaviness I feel in my chest.
I avoid most of the conversations about the Coping Together event. It was a huge success and I can see how happy it makes my mom to talk about it so I listen and smile where applicable. Ana's name is only brought up twice and both times I shut down, I do not want any questions about her being thrown at me.
On my way home I detour down Ana's street and park in the lot across from hers. Her bedroom light is on and I imagine her lying on her bed, reading a book. Wholesome. Good. Light. My phone buzzes after a few minutes and I see Taylors name glow on the screen.
'Grey.'
'Sir, are you outside of Ms. Steeles apartment?'
'Yes. Why?'
'Her nighttime protection noticed a vehicle parked across the building and the occupant not exiting. I tracked the Spyder and saw it was you. Can I help you with something?'
'No, Taylor. I'm leaving now.' I don't look at her window again.
'Good morning, Mr. Grey, Mr. Welch is waiting in your office. He didn't have an appointment but insisted this was a top priority security issue.'
'Thank you, Andrea. I'll call you for my schedule when we're finished.'
If he's in my office, it means one of two things. He's accessed Ana's medical records or he's accessed Hyde's computer. Either way, I'm on edge. I barely slept last night, my mind and body are desperate for a woman I can't have and I have never felt more out of control than I do right now.
'What did you find out?' He hands me a file and sits down in one of the chairs across from my desk. I don't bother to sit or to take off my jacket, I want to know what's in the folder. What I read infuriates me.
'It appears that she was being systematically abused for years prior to the final episode which resulted in the removal of her from the home. There's no police reports or case files with Child Protective Services but the medical evidence is pretty obvious.'
My knees give out and I fall into the chair behind me while visions of a young teenage Ana, bruised and hurt batter my mind. There are seven pages of medical records detailing cuts, bruises and broken bones that warranted doctor visits. What's not on these pages? What else was done to her that isn't in these documents?
'Who did this?'
'Since there are no police reports, we can only surmise that it was her step father at the time. A Stephen Morton. The abuse appears to have started within six months of the marriage and if you look past the point where she's returned to Raymond Steele, the visits to the doctors, the 'accidents' and 'sport injuries' end completely.'
I fucking knew it! My skin is on fire with the heat of my fury. Stephen Morton is a dead man walking.
'Where is he now?' My teeth are so clenched they hurt and for all the times Welch has seen me pissed, this time he's on high alert.
'He spent two years in a minimum security prison in Georgia for assaulting a girlfriend of his. He was released early for good behavior and then fell off the radar outside of checking in with his parol officer. He's got one year left and then he's a free man. Lives in a hamlet outside of Atlanta and works as a delivery driver for a bakery.'
'I want to know the brand of toothpaste he uses, I want to know the number of times he blinks in an hour. I want someone tailing him day and night and I want every single slip up reported back to me within the minute. I want the fucker back in prison for good. Find me something on him and use it to nail him to the mother fucking wall.'
'Yes, sir.' He stands to go but pauses at the door, his hand on the knob before he turns to me. 'Accessing anyone's medical records is a federal offence, I'd be careful in how we used this information and who we tell about it.'
I hate being talked to like this by my staff and the burning look I throw his way freezes him to the spot.
'I know that, Welch. I will tell Taylor and no one else but we will take care of this issue. Where are you on Hyde's computer?'
'Barney was able to crack into the mainframe but Hyde downloaded everything on a flash drive which we can only assume he has in his possession. He deleted, destroyed, encoded and erased all of the original data. The few things we were able to retrieve were website pages on sadism and an online order confirmation for bondage equipment.'
He may as well have punched me in the chest, all of the air rushes out of my lungs and I wave him out, unable to even utter a dismissal.
I spend the majority of my morning ensuring that we get the proper security team in place for Morton, I want that man to rot in jail for what he did to Anastasia. It matters not at all to me that she hasn't had any contact with him in almost eight years or that her mother finally decided to divorce the fucker. And what the fuck is that about? Her mother had to have known what was going on and yet she stayed with him and allowed it to continue!
I want to storm into her office and wrap her in my arms, promise her that everything will be ok and that I'll protect her for the rest of her life but I don't. Instead I rant and rave at my acquisition team over their lack of progress on the SIP project. We've moved into hostile takeover mode but still the progress is slow and tedious. Ros remains silent, she knows to leave me alone when I'm like this but the other fuckers keep talking until I tell them to shut the fuck up and get out of my fucking office.
Once my 2pm meeting leaves I lay on the couch in my office for the first time ever and let the revelations of the day fall on me like rain. Anastasia was physically abused by a man for years. She's being stalked by a man who's intention, from all appearances, is to do the same. And then there's me. Living a lifestyle that punishes and hits, humiliates and degrades. And I want her too.
I am a monster. The very same type of man as Hyde and Morton. Just another threat to Anastasia Steele. Here I am hiring people to protect her, hunting down those that could harm her and all the while, the biggest threat to her is me. But you don't want to hurt her. Do you?
How can I reconcile the pleasurable aspects of BDSM with the painful ones? How can I separate them out when the two are so intermixed in my mind and in my own history? I am inherently drawn to the control and the domination BDSM has afforded me but how can I control and dominate without the punishments? Without the threat of pain and denial of pleasure?
I feel like a man on death row when I walk to her office but I have to see her and explain myself to her. She's surprised when I walk through the door but says nothing. She's probably afraid you'll whip her.
Words fail to convey my fear and ultimate acceptance of what I have to offer her. Does she understand that having me in her life can only damage her and break her? I know what she's been through, I know what she's had to deal with and get through and I can't contribute to that. My internal battle rages on, in my office the prospect of never being with Ana is hard enough but when she touches my arm I lose all reasoning and fight the desire to throw myself at her feet and beg her to take a chance on me anyway. I want to be better for her, I want to be good enough for her but I have no idea how to do that.
A knock on the door interrupts the moment and saves me the embarrassment of falling apart in front of her but when I see it's that fucker from acquisitions standing there with his dick in his hand I almost erupt. Another one of her fucking admirers. Get used to it, Grey, she's not yours, she never will be.
I stand and stare at her closed office door for what feels like an hour before I call for Taylor to go home. I can't be here anymore if she's here. I can't stay away from her and I have to.
I change into workout gear and head to the gym and Taylor follows me without being told to. In the five years he's worked for me he has seen some pretty sick shit. He's seen me fucking, fighting, raging and rude but he's never seen me despondent and I know he's concerned about my well being.
He and Welch came up with the security protocol for the new team we'll assemble in Georgia. I know he's less than thrilled that I accessed Ana's medical records but I don't give a flying fuck what anyone thinks, I'll do anything to keep her safe.
After two solid hours of weights and strength training Claude shows up. I shoot Taylor a knowing look, I didn't ask for a session but the man knows me well enough to know that the information I was given today is enough to push me over the mental edge.
Claude doesn't take it easy on me even though I've already been down here for two hours and instead he comes at me hard and furious. It's exactly what I need and I answer him back punch for punch, kick for kick, sweep for sweep until he waves me off.
'Fuck, Grey. I thought I'd have you down three times by now after the workout you just did. Who pissed in your Cheerios this morning?'
Stephen Morton. Jack Hyde. David Mendington. Jose Rodriguez. Matt Ryan. Elena piece of shit Lincoln. Take your pick.
'We done here?' I've got zero interest in talking about what's on my mind. I'd rather fight it out or fuck it out. I've done the fighting and even though I'm bone tired, I still need the fucking.
He gives me a salute and begins to pack his bag. 'See you at 7am tomorrow at Grey House.'
I throw a towel over my shoulder and walk to the elevator. Memories of Ana in those tight pants pressed up against the wall while I palmed her ass flood me and in an instant I'm hard and angry. That will never happen again. Regret shoots through me.
Mrs. Jones brings my dinner to me in my office after I shower and dress in sweats. The Japanese plant manager has totally ignored my directive to fire three dead weight administrators and I deal harshly with him. It's the perfect excuse to verbally rip someone to shreds and when I hang up I feel a hundred pounds lighter. My cell vibrates on my desk, I look over to see Elliot's name and hit ignore. He calls back again and then once again two minutes later. I glance at the clock, 9:45, and I'm suddenly concerned. He never usually calls this late and definitely not three times in a row.
'Grey.'
'Fuck man! Where the fuck were you? Ana's been attacked, Kate just took her to Northwest Hospital.' My world begins to spin around me, my fingers numb and my legs tingling.
'Where? Who? Is she ok? Fuck, I'm on my way.'
I'm halfway to the elevator before I remember my shoes and before Elliot can explain anything to me I'm on my way down to the car and heading out to Northwest.
'Outside of her apartment, I don't know. She seems ok, Kate said she's hurt but I don't know much more than that.'
'Where the FUCK was her protection? FUCK!' I yell and then hang up, throwing the phone on the seat next to me. I'm driving as fast as these city streets will let me, not bothering to call Taylor or Sawyer or anyone else. Every single one of them is fired. The only person in the entire world right now is Ana and I can't get to her fast enough.
My phone continues to buzz and I see Taylor's name and then Sawyers but I ignore all of it, I don't have the ability to do anything but focus on getting to the hospital. I toss my keys to the ER valet who all but comes when he sees my car but at this point, he can fucking have it, just get me inside.
Elliot is standing at the entrance to the emergency room and he rushes over to me before I break the glass door separating me from the patient rooms in the back.
'Where is she?'
'She's with mom right now, Kate just texted me that they're taking her for x-rays and then she'll be able to see people. She's alright, Christian, mom said Sawyers the one who needs the medical attention.'
That stops me in my tracks and I run my hands through my hair before I notice him doing the same thing.
'What?'
'Sawyer is getting about 40 stitches right now. Whoever attacked Ana had a knife and slashed him across his arm and chest pretty deeply when he intervened.'
Oh my god. He had a knife. He could have killed her. The room comes crashing down on me while Elliot grips my upper arms and pushes me into a chair. A nurse comes by and pushes my head between my legs, urging me to breath in and out but the room keeps spinning and the roar in my head blocks out all sound except the chant of, 'She could have been killed. She could have been killed. She could have been killed.'
'Christian, she's alright. Sawyer is alright. He said he knows who the guy was and that Taylor has already alerted the police and is working with them to find him.'
'He got away?!' I bellow and the nurse steps back in alarm.
'Barely. Sawyer was bleeding pretty badly and while he was able to get a few substantial blows in, the fucker had a car and took off.' He picks up his phone and scrolls quickly through it before continuing. 'Kate's text says that Ana told her the guy was Jack Hyde.'
'Threats of violence and mayhem will only get you arrested and committed here, Mr. Grey. Your girlfriend is in radiology right now, there's nothing we can do to admit access to her until she's finished.' Fucking nurse on a fucking power trip.
Girlfriend. It helps to calm me. Girlfriend. Girlfriend. I like it.
'What about Luke Sawyer?'
'He's still being stitched by the attending physician but he seems to be fine otherwise. He's asked that he be allowed to speak with you as soon as possible.'
I look at her and drop my head, gesturing for her to let me in then. She smiles and tells me to take a seat, she'll let me know when Sawyer is available as well. Does she know who the fuck I am?!
I finally call Taylor back, he's speaking with the investigator assigned to the case. Apparently throwing around the phrase, 'Christian Grey's girlfriend' makes shit happen quickly in the SPD.
'Sir we've not been able to determine much since our contact with both Sawyer and Ms. Steele has been limited but I can tell you that according to the convention staff, Hyde hasn't checked out of his room but he hasn't been seen in two days. A neighbor did see a light colored hatchback car pull away at a high speed at the time of the attack and that description matches up with the car that Hyde rented in Texas.'
'The SPD has put an all points bulletin out for his car and are considering him armed and dangerous. Any word on Ms. Steele or Sawyer?' I shake my head in an effort to process the news he's telling me and hand Elliot the phone while I pace the room.
'Ana is getting x-rays done but it appears that she's otherwise alright. Sawyer is currently getting about 40 stitches for a laceration to his chest.' Every time I hear Ana and x-ray I feel faint. He could have killed her. I didn't protect her, I let her down.
'Mr. Grey, your girlfriend is available to see you now.' I rush past the nurse and sprint down the hallway until I see my mom outside a curtained enclosure. I don't stop to talk while she pulls the curtain aside to let me in.
Ana, sweet, kind, gentle Ana is lying in a white hospital gown with a monitor attached to her heart and Kate Kavanagh attached to her hand. She smiles when she sees me and the relief almost cripples me.
I love her.
I rush to the empty side of the bed and search her face for any signs of pain but she just smiles at me and runs her palm on my cheek. My throat is so tight I gasp for breath but her name rushes out of me anyway.
'Ana.' My hand grasps hers and I kiss her forehead.
'I'm ok. Sawyer was there, he was heroic. If he hadn't been, if you hadn't hired him, I...I don't'
'Shhh. Don't even say it. My god, Ana, I'm so relieved that you're ok.' I can't stop kissing her face but my mom's cough catches my attention and I turn to look at her, still holding my girls hand. It's so small.
'I was just telling Anastasia that her ribs aren't fractured, just bruised internally. There doesn't seem to be any other damage other than the smaller bruises on her neck and upper arm. I've prescribed some pretty serious pain pills which I want her to take every 12 hours for the next three days even if she doesn't want to. They'll keep her muscles relaxed and will speed up her healing time. Her next dose should be at 10am tomorrow morning. Ana, you also need to limit your movements as much as possible for the next three days, no activities that aren't absolutely necessary. If you adhere to those simple things, you should be good to go in four days, tops.'
'Yes, ma'am. Can I go now?'
'You're free to leave.'
A nurse brings a wheelchair for her but she asks to change first. Kate has brought her black leggings and a tshirt which she helps her to change into while I stand outside the curtain, upset that my mother and Kate are getting to see Ana half naked and I'm not.
The sight of her in a wheelchair guts me. He will pay.
'Are we going to see Sawyer first?' Fuck, I'd forgotten about him. My mom leads us four curtains down and he's stitched, dressed and being discharged. The look of shame on his face pales in comparison to the anger on mine but Ana is gushing her thanks to him and apologizing for being annoying on Saturday night. What is she talking about?
'Sir.'
'Are you able to leave now, Sawyer?'
'Yes. Taylor is sending over Ryan to pick me up, he'll take me to my apartment.'
'We'll wait with you.' Fuck! I should have known she'd offer to stay with him. She's all but holding his hand in gratitude and I can't help but feel a pang of jealousy that it was he who fought off her attacker and not me. That's what you hired him for, be grateful neither of them died! I just want to get her home and in my bed, safely ensconced in bubble wrap from head to toe. Would it be too much if I hired three guards for her?
We sit in silence, Ana, Elliot, Kate, Sawyer and myself while we wait for Ryan. When he arrives I push Ana towards the door and turn to Sawyer who's being wheeled out in his own chair, lowering my voice so that only he can hear me.
'I'm pissed as hell that he had enough time to touch her let alone kick her but I'm also grateful that you were there and that you did your job. I expect your full report in 24 hours and you can take as much time as you need to recover, I need you in top shape to protect her. Do you understand?'
He nods and shakes my hand. 'Thank you, Luke.'
'Sir. Just doing my job.'
'You did your job well. Goodnight.' The man has a permanent 14 inch scar across his body from protecting my Ana and as furious I am that she sustained any injury, I have to admit that for being 'covert protection', he preformed his job as quickly as possible.
I'm momentarily confused when Kate's car pulls up and she opens the passenger door. I know Elliot met her here so who's going home with her?
'Will you help me lift her in guys? Maybe you can follow us home and help her get inside too.'
Elliot and I look at her like she's crazy, because she is.
'Kate, you can't go back to the apartment until this fucker's caught and Ana is definitely not going back there right now. You'll stay with me,' He looks at me and I nod, 'and Ana will stay with Christian. Mrs. Jones can help him out with food and shit like that and she'll be well protected there.'
She hesitates and looks at Ana. 'Ana sweetie, what do you want to do? They're right, we shouldn't go back there just yet. Do you want me to stay with you at Christians?' Oh hell no. Elliot!
'Kate I can assure you that I'll take good care of her and Mrs. Jones will be there during the day should I need help. I'll have my security team contact you tomorrow to install an alarm system for the apartment but in the meantime, you can't go back there.'
'I'm fine, Kate. I just really want to go to sleep right now.' Kate hesitates and then shuts her door, giving Ana a kiss and gentle hug goodbye.
'I'll call you in the morning, Steele. No moving! Remember what Grace said!'
Taylor has met us in the parking lot and has brought the SUV, someone else will get the Spyder another time. As carefully as I can I pick her up and climb in the back seat, holding her bridal style across my lap. Taylor buckles us in and she turns that perfect face up to mine.
'I can sit, you know.'
'No, you can do what you're told and let me take care of you. Are you hungry? You should have eaten something before you took those pills.'
'I'm not hungry, too much excitement for one night.' She yawns and turns her face into my chest; I freeze and force myself to relax. This is Ana. You are safe, you are fine, this is Ana.
She dozes on the ride home and the arm supporting her neck grows numb but I would sit like this forever if it meant being able to touch her and have her close. The weight of her tiny body against mine is the reassurance I need right now and with each mile we travel I feel less fear and more anger. A million directives are flying through my head and I'll delegate them out once we get home and she's tucked safely into my bed but for now, I study the soft contours of her face and bend down to kiss the small worry line between her brows.
Mrs. Jones greets us in the foyer, wringing her hands and clucking like a mother hen while I carry Ana to the bedroom. She and Taylor stop mid step when I bypass the guest room and instead lay her on the cool sheets of my own bed. She stirs enough to wake and groan and Mrs. Jones takes the opportunity to hand her the bagel and cream cheese she's prepared.
'This shirt is too tight with the wrapping underneath, it hurts.' Grumpy Ana is just as cute as ever and she takes a bite of the bagel while I grab her one of my t-shirts.
'Can you sit up a bit higher?' She takes my hand and let's me pull her up and I grit my teeth when I see her grimace in pain. Mother fucker!
'I need you to take this shirt off, Christian, I can't do it.' Do not get a hard on. Do not get a hard on.
Her torso is wrapped with fabric bandages and what looks like duct tape and I do my very best to keep my eyes on the bandages and not the pink lace bra she has on that pushes her breasts up as if they were an offering and as quickly as I can I pull the t-shirt over her head.
'I can't eat this, I'm going to throw up if I take another bite. Whatever your mom gave me at the hospital is making me sick.' She lays back down onto the mattress and before I can protest, she's asleep, her lips parted and just begging to be kissed. I lean down and give her a tiny peck, just enough to feel her skin against mine and she sighs.
'I'm so glad you're in my life, Christian.' My heart bursts in my chest and my eyes burn with emotions unshed as I gently kiss her again.
'So am I, Anastasia.'
Authors note: I've got to say thanks again to the reviewers, it is so nice to read your feed back and I appreciate the time you take to leave it. I try to respond to them all unless it's a guest or you're not logged in, then I can't since FF doesn't allow me to so thank you to the 'guest' reviewers as well!
Also, a link to the pinterest page for this story: FSSAS/fifty-shades-slow-and-steady/
APOV
Ho-ly shit. I did not see that coming. Christian Grey is a victim of a sexual predator and he not only still has her in his life but he defends what she did. I have been sitting on this lounge chair on this beautiful balcony overlooking a gorgeous view of Seattle for over an hour but the ugliness of his revelation strikes at me again and again.
The master of his universe and CEO of a multi-billion dollar corporation is defending a child molester because she has fucked his head up so badly that he thinks she helped him. Holy fucking shit. No wonder he hasn't had any healthy relationships, his own mother died because getting high was more important than taking care of her small child and a grown woman taught him that love was for idiots and that the only way to be with someone was to control and dominate them.
This is so far beyond my meager abilities and yet he's entrusted this to me. I have little doubt that no one, outside of this Flynn shrink he claims to see, knows about what's happened to him. Why did he tell me? What does he expect me to do with this? How can I ever be in the same room with her again?
As the minutes drag on and Christian doesn't reappear it's my own actions that I begin to question. Instead of listening and supporting him I threw a deluge of questions at him, demanding answers that he wasn't prepared to give. He probably hates you right now. I clean our glasses and change for class but another 20 minutes goes by before I work up enough courage to knock on the office door. My strong, domineering, controlling, aggressive, protective, charming man is staring out the window with his hands in his pockets and his shoulders slumped. My heart aches for him in his self-imposed solitude.
She did this to him.
He says nothing when he sees me but watches me approach, letting me touch his cheek and I swear he sighs and leans into my hand. I want to embrace him and love the hurt out of him but he's silent and withdrawn. He thinks you're disgusted with him. I can only tell him that he's not to blame and that he has nothing to feel ashamed about. He needs to know that I know he's a good man but the cold stare of his eyes don't soften or change and I turn to go, my tears threatening to spill over until I climb into the waiting car.
'Three minute hover, go.' This is the last place I want to be right now. I want to be with Christian while he works through the barrage of questions I so insensitively hurled at him. When the timer goes off it startles me. The mental image of him alone in that huge apartment claws at my heart and I debate whether or not I should call him or go back unannounced. He shouldn't be alone, he's been alone too long already.
I push myself and my class to the limit, forcing my advanced Pilates class to preform to professional standards so that I can work out the anger that has seeped into my psyche. I vacillate for two hours on what I should do and ultimately opt to go home. He told Mrs. Jones that he was going to his parents' house tonight but I send him a text anyway in the hopes that he'll call me.
I meant what I said, Christian. You are a good man and I'm so grateful you're in my life.
As the hours go by I check my phone hundreds of times but there's no response.
Walking into Grey House on Monday morning is more nerve wracking than walking into brunch yesterday. Taylor is there as usual to greet me and escort me upstairs and I study his face in the elevator. Does he know?
'Is Christian in his office?'
'He's in meetings all morning, Ms. Steele.' In other words, don't knock on his door.
I'm dressed in an echo of my mood, black dress, black heels, black jewelry. Somber and distressed. Barney is waiting for me in my office when I walk in and busies himself with teaching me about my new iPhone and MacBook with the latest video chat technology.
'Why all the new gadgets, Barney? What I have now works just fine.'
'Mr. Grey wanted you to have the newest equipment. This phone isn't even available in stores yet, you've got one of nine that have been distributed, Mr. Grey has another.' Who the hell cares? Does it make and receive calls? Great.
'Who's got the other seven?'
'No idea, probably developers and upper management at Apple. I'm on the waiting list for mine but I've got almost two months before it's out.' Boys and their toys, I just don't get it.
The morning drags on and no matter how many times I go towards his office to 'get coffee' or check up with Andrea, his door is always closed. She offers to let me in twice since those are her instructions from Christian should I ever want him but I know better. If he wanted to see me, he'd have come to me by now. I know Taylor told him I had arrived and I know he knows I've gone out for coffee already since freaking Sawyer was in the lobby and followed me to Starbucks.
Hi, I'm getting something to eat, can I pick you up anything?
-No thanks you I'm fine.-
My heart drops at the formality and the dismissive tone of his text but a few minutes later as I'm standing in line at the deli I hear a ping and my heart jumps back to life.
-I'm in a lunch meeting but I'll come by when I'm finished.-
I race back to the office just in case his meeting ends early. I'd hate to not be there when he finally comes by but it's another two hours before he strolls in and shuts the door. The stubble dusting his jaw and chin along with the tiredness surrounding his eyes speaks to a long night. Even now he looks exhausted and distracted with his suit jacket off, tie loosened and sleeves rolled up. Tired or not, the man is gorgeous and I stare unashamedly at the beautiful broken man in front of me.
I force myself to remain in my chair, his body language isn't screaming 'come touch me' so I don't and instead he sits down across from my desk and leans his elbows on his knees, running his hands through that perfect just fucked hair. I haven't moved at all, I'm not even sure I've blinked yet. I say nothing, I move nothing, I don't even breath until he starts to speak and even then I'm as still as I can be, afraid that he'll stop talking if I do anything to draw attention to myself.
'I'm sorry for shutting down on you yesterday.' Those piercing grey eyes fixate on mine and hold me captive. His hands hang limply between his legs, his elbows still on his knees, his entire demeanor weary and cautious.
'I'm sorry for jumping on you the way I did. I should have been more sensitive, I was just completely thrown for a loop. Please, please forgive me, Christian. You've done nothing to warrant feeling like the bad guy here.'
'Ana, I am the bad guy. I have done things with women that would probably terrify and disgust you. I had never thought about my…introduction to sex in the way that you painted it. I had always seen myself as an equal to her, a horny teenage kid with a really cool secret and when you called me a victim it floored me. I've never seen myself that way and frankly it pissed me off to have you see me as weak.'
'Christian! I do not think you were weak, being a victim does not make you weak. It makes you a victim.' He rests his head in his hands again and I go to him, pulling the chair next to his closer and resisting the urge to touch him. I know all about being a victim.
'Ana, I have spent years in therapy, YEARS and I have never once done anything but defend Elena's actions but when you put Mia in my place it rocked me. Disgusted me, angered me and opened my eyes to something I had never thought about.' He looks up at me then and the anguish behind those stormy greys is palpable. 'I've allowed her to be in my parent's home, at their dinner table, attending functions and lunches with my mother after what we did. I'm sick!'
'No, no, no, no, you are not sick, Christian. You've been manipulated for years by someone you trusted as your friend. She's the sick one, not you. You have to believe me when I say that.' I can't resist comforting this man anymore so I reach out and lay my hand on his forearm, lightly squeezing it to reassure him but a knock on the door rudely intrudes and he jumps up and walks towards the door swinging it open.
'Uh, hello, Mr. Grey. I uh, I'm here to see if Ana's got the bullet points from her call on Friday.'
'She'll email them to you Mr. Mendington.' He growls at the man in the doorway before turning back to me and shutting the door again. 'Another one.' He mumbles under his breath before standing in front of me and leaning against my desk with his arms crossed.
'Christian,' I start but he interrupts me.
'Ana, you barely know me, you have no idea some of the twisted shit I've done, the things that I wanted in my life. I'm never going to be good enough for someone like you.'
'How can you say that?'
'Because I'm fifty shades of fucked up and you're not. You deserve someone who can give you hearts and flowers and who doesn't bring a truckload of bullshit along with them. Everything about you is good and right and I have nothing to offer you other than darkness and angst. I like you, Ana. A lot. Enough to want what's best for you and I'm not it.' He pushes himself up from the desk and squares his shoulders defiantly, meeting my stunned look straight on.
'We'll continue to work together and I'd like for us to continue being friends but whatever it is that we started last weekend, it has to end before you get hurt. It would crush me to be the one to hurt you, Ana.'
I want to tell him that he's hurting me right now by not giving me a chance to be with him. I may not know all of his secrets, I may not have a firm grasp on what his lifestyle encompasses but I do know that I want Christian Grey in a way I've never wanted a man before and his refusal of me is shredding the tiny bit of self-esteem I've worked so hard to gather. Well, fuck him then. Maybe this is just his way of shoving you off, he's probably gotten sick of you already, you knew you couldn't hold a man like him for long! What an idiot I was.
'I don't know what to say to you, Christian. If that's what you want, then fine. I'll cc you the points that I've pulled from the latest addendum and we'll touch base at the meeting on Wednesday. Are there any specifics you need answered, I'll be speaking with the plant manager today?'
He's shocked and obviously a bit hurt by my quick dismissal but what the hell does he want me to do? You dump something so huge and shocking on my lap and then pull away? I don't get it! Why tell me? The same question that has plagued me since he offered to stay and babysit that first night rears up again; what does he want from me?
His eyes grow a bit larger when I open the door and I inwardly laugh, I'm kicking him out of what is technically his office. He walks slowly but leaves, turning to face me when he's in the hallway. I want so badly to slam the door right in his face but I won't because I know that underneath that crap he just threw at me is a guy who really was victimized and still hasn't come to terms with it. She continues to control him, even after all these years.
He sighs. 'Ana, I don't want to upset you. That's not my intention.'
I sigh back, resting my head on the cool wood of the door and close my eyes. 'I know, but you did. I'm speaking with the Chinese at 7pm so if you have anything to add before then, just email me please.' I offer him a small smile and close the door.
CPOV
'Darling! How wonderful to hear from you!'
'Elena, why did you approach Anastasia on Saturday night after I told you to stay away from her?' I'm disgusted with myself for calling her but I need to be angry at someone right now and she's the perfect candidate.
'Of course she ran back and reported to you. Christian, do you really think a girl like that is going to want to be a part of your lifestyle? Have you not deduced that she's after your money? You men are all the same, led around by your dicks and little else.'
'Anastasia and I aren't dating, Elena so your theory is bullshit. I asked you a question. Do you have no regard for my demands?'
'Oh, I know all about your demands, Christian, I taught them to you. Someone has to protect you darling and if I'm the only one who knows about your…proclivities, then I'm the one who needs to do it. She's nothing more than a gold digger! No one's even heard of her on the scene, no prior Dom's, no membership to any of our clubs, nothing. She comes out of nowhere and all of the sudden she's working right next to you and sitting at a function with your family! How blind can you be?'
My head is pounding, the tension banding around it like a vise. I hate this woman and yet I still have her in my life. I am so fucked up.
'Elena, why did you never encourage me to talk to my parents about my issues when I was younger?'
She sputters, completely caught off guard by the change in direction this conversation has taken. We have never spoken about my initiation into this world we live in and I realize, albeit belatedly, that she has dictated every conversation about it we've ever had. She's controlled it all from day one. My pit of self loathing grows deeper by the minute.
'What? What are you talking about Christian? For fucks sake you wanted it! All I did was help steer you to what you wanted, what you needed and it changed everything for you.' She snickers and my stomach turns, 'You were always eager for more, do you remember those first few years, Christian? My God you couldn't get enough.'
I close my eyes and hang my head in shame because she's right. I used every excuse I could to be with her. There wasn't one time when she called for me that I didn't run to her as quickly as I could, not one time I refused her, not one time I didn't want to fuck her. I was as much a part of it as she was. Ana's wrong, I was a willing participant, not a victim.
Flynn's words cut through my brain and fight the demon within me.
'You were a child, you couldn't be a willing participant.'
'The age of consent is 18, there's a reason for that.'
'Physical response doesn't equal willing participant.'
'Molested, molested, molested.'
'The age of consent is 18, there's a reason for that.'
'Physical response doesn't equal willing participant.'
'Molested, molested, molested.'
'Shut the fuck up! Just shut up, Elena! How can you still be friends with my mother?'
'Christian! Where is this coming from? I helped you! Do you know how happy your parents were when you turned your life around? How thrilled they were when you stopped fighting and drinking and being a little shit? For fucks sake, I was a good friend to her, her best friend because I helped her son!'
I'm so confused, even more than I was before I called her. Did she help me or hurt me like Ana and Flynn have suggested? Is she the reason I'm so stunted in my emotional availability? The reason I keep a safe distance from my own fucking family? Or would I be dead or in prison right now had she not stepped in when she did? My headache is a full on migraine now and speaking has become difficult. Why did I call her? I wish Ana were here.
'Did you tell her, Christian? Did you tell that little whore about us?' I can barely speak right now, the roar and the throb in my skull has become all consuming and I lie to her for the first time just to shut her up.
'No. And if you ever speak of her again like that, you will come to regret it deeply.'
'Good, you had me worried. She could never understand what we have. I know you've refused my offers for a new submissive twice now but I'm setting up an appointment for Shayla for this week, I've had enough of watching you crumble. You're Christian fucking Grey for God's sake, get your shit together.'
I just hang up and walk to my bedroom where I take two Advil's and then lie down on my huge empty bed. I've never fallen asleep in the middle of the day but between the tension of returning from Japan and the conversations with Ana and Elena, I fall exhausted into a fitful sleep.
When my phone rings I answer it without looking, still half asleep. 'Christian, where are you?' Mia's high pitched voice vibrates in my ears and it takes me a minute to remember where I am and where I'm supposed to be. I quickly glance at the clock on my night table and jump up, I've been lying here for close to two hours.
'Shit, sorry. Just start without me, I'm leaving now, I'll be there in 20 minutes.'
'You were supposed to come early for my slide show!'
'I know, Mia, I'm sorry. I had a headache and fell asleep, I'm leaving now.'
'You fell asleep? Just now? Oh. I'm sorry, I didn't realize. I can show you another time if you'd prefer.' Her demeanor softens and the familiar feeling of being a constant disappointment flashes through me again.
'I'm coming now, hold dinner if Mom's ok with it. I'll watch your show after, OK?'
I drive like a bat out of hell and pull into my parent's home just in time for dinner. Eating is the last thing I want to do right now but my mom is watching me closely, Mia must have told her about the headache. Great, now she's concerned for me too.
I've not responeded to Ana's text, I just can't. Her faith in me only adds to the heaviness I feel in my chest.
I avoid most of the conversations about the Coping Together event. It was a huge success and I can see how happy it makes my mom to talk about it so I listen and smile where applicable. Ana's name is only brought up twice and both times I shut down, I do not want any questions about her being thrown at me.
On my way home I detour down Ana's street and park in the lot across from hers. Her bedroom light is on and I imagine her lying on her bed, reading a book. Wholesome. Good. Light. My phone buzzes after a few minutes and I see Taylors name glow on the screen.
'Grey.'
'Sir, are you outside of Ms. Steeles apartment?'
'Yes. Why?'
'Her nighttime protection noticed a vehicle parked across the building and the occupant not exiting. I tracked the Spyder and saw it was you. Can I help you with something?'
'No, Taylor. I'm leaving now.' I don't look at her window again.
'Good morning, Mr. Grey, Mr. Welch is waiting in your office. He didn't have an appointment but insisted this was a top priority security issue.'
'Thank you, Andrea. I'll call you for my schedule when we're finished.'
If he's in my office, it means one of two things. He's accessed Ana's medical records or he's accessed Hyde's computer. Either way, I'm on edge. I barely slept last night, my mind and body are desperate for a woman I can't have and I have never felt more out of control than I do right now.
'What did you find out?' He hands me a file and sits down in one of the chairs across from my desk. I don't bother to sit or to take off my jacket, I want to know what's in the folder. What I read infuriates me.
'It appears that she was being systematically abused for years prior to the final episode which resulted in the removal of her from the home. There's no police reports or case files with Child Protective Services but the medical evidence is pretty obvious.'
My knees give out and I fall into the chair behind me while visions of a young teenage Ana, bruised and hurt batter my mind. There are seven pages of medical records detailing cuts, bruises and broken bones that warranted doctor visits. What's not on these pages? What else was done to her that isn't in these documents?
'Who did this?'
'Since there are no police reports, we can only surmise that it was her step father at the time. A Stephen Morton. The abuse appears to have started within six months of the marriage and if you look past the point where she's returned to Raymond Steele, the visits to the doctors, the 'accidents' and 'sport injuries' end completely.'
I fucking knew it! My skin is on fire with the heat of my fury. Stephen Morton is a dead man walking.
'Where is he now?' My teeth are so clenched they hurt and for all the times Welch has seen me pissed, this time he's on high alert.
'He spent two years in a minimum security prison in Georgia for assaulting a girlfriend of his. He was released early for good behavior and then fell off the radar outside of checking in with his parol officer. He's got one year left and then he's a free man. Lives in a hamlet outside of Atlanta and works as a delivery driver for a bakery.'
'I want to know the brand of toothpaste he uses, I want to know the number of times he blinks in an hour. I want someone tailing him day and night and I want every single slip up reported back to me within the minute. I want the fucker back in prison for good. Find me something on him and use it to nail him to the mother fucking wall.'
'Yes, sir.' He stands to go but pauses at the door, his hand on the knob before he turns to me. 'Accessing anyone's medical records is a federal offence, I'd be careful in how we used this information and who we tell about it.'
I hate being talked to like this by my staff and the burning look I throw his way freezes him to the spot.
'I know that, Welch. I will tell Taylor and no one else but we will take care of this issue. Where are you on Hyde's computer?'
'Barney was able to crack into the mainframe but Hyde downloaded everything on a flash drive which we can only assume he has in his possession. He deleted, destroyed, encoded and erased all of the original data. The few things we were able to retrieve were website pages on sadism and an online order confirmation for bondage equipment.'
He may as well have punched me in the chest, all of the air rushes out of my lungs and I wave him out, unable to even utter a dismissal.
I spend the majority of my morning ensuring that we get the proper security team in place for Morton, I want that man to rot in jail for what he did to Anastasia. It matters not at all to me that she hasn't had any contact with him in almost eight years or that her mother finally decided to divorce the fucker. And what the fuck is that about? Her mother had to have known what was going on and yet she stayed with him and allowed it to continue!
I want to storm into her office and wrap her in my arms, promise her that everything will be ok and that I'll protect her for the rest of her life but I don't. Instead I rant and rave at my acquisition team over their lack of progress on the SIP project. We've moved into hostile takeover mode but still the progress is slow and tedious. Ros remains silent, she knows to leave me alone when I'm like this but the other fuckers keep talking until I tell them to shut the fuck up and get out of my fucking office.
Once my 2pm meeting leaves I lay on the couch in my office for the first time ever and let the revelations of the day fall on me like rain. Anastasia was physically abused by a man for years. She's being stalked by a man who's intention, from all appearances, is to do the same. And then there's me. Living a lifestyle that punishes and hits, humiliates and degrades. And I want her too.
I am a monster. The very same type of man as Hyde and Morton. Just another threat to Anastasia Steele. Here I am hiring people to protect her, hunting down those that could harm her and all the while, the biggest threat to her is me. But you don't want to hurt her. Do you?
How can I reconcile the pleasurable aspects of BDSM with the painful ones? How can I separate them out when the two are so intermixed in my mind and in my own history? I am inherently drawn to the control and the domination BDSM has afforded me but how can I control and dominate without the punishments? Without the threat of pain and denial of pleasure?
I feel like a man on death row when I walk to her office but I have to see her and explain myself to her. She's surprised when I walk through the door but says nothing. She's probably afraid you'll whip her.
Words fail to convey my fear and ultimate acceptance of what I have to offer her. Does she understand that having me in her life can only damage her and break her? I know what she's been through, I know what she's had to deal with and get through and I can't contribute to that. My internal battle rages on, in my office the prospect of never being with Ana is hard enough but when she touches my arm I lose all reasoning and fight the desire to throw myself at her feet and beg her to take a chance on me anyway. I want to be better for her, I want to be good enough for her but I have no idea how to do that.
A knock on the door interrupts the moment and saves me the embarrassment of falling apart in front of her but when I see it's that fucker from acquisitions standing there with his dick in his hand I almost erupt. Another one of her fucking admirers. Get used to it, Grey, she's not yours, she never will be.
I stand and stare at her closed office door for what feels like an hour before I call for Taylor to go home. I can't be here anymore if she's here. I can't stay away from her and I have to.
I change into workout gear and head to the gym and Taylor follows me without being told to. In the five years he's worked for me he has seen some pretty sick shit. He's seen me fucking, fighting, raging and rude but he's never seen me despondent and I know he's concerned about my well being.
He and Welch came up with the security protocol for the new team we'll assemble in Georgia. I know he's less than thrilled that I accessed Ana's medical records but I don't give a flying fuck what anyone thinks, I'll do anything to keep her safe.
After two solid hours of weights and strength training Claude shows up. I shoot Taylor a knowing look, I didn't ask for a session but the man knows me well enough to know that the information I was given today is enough to push me over the mental edge.
Claude doesn't take it easy on me even though I've already been down here for two hours and instead he comes at me hard and furious. It's exactly what I need and I answer him back punch for punch, kick for kick, sweep for sweep until he waves me off.
'Fuck, Grey. I thought I'd have you down three times by now after the workout you just did. Who pissed in your Cheerios this morning?'
Stephen Morton. Jack Hyde. David Mendington. Jose Rodriguez. Matt Ryan. Elena piece of shit Lincoln. Take your pick.
'We done here?' I've got zero interest in talking about what's on my mind. I'd rather fight it out or fuck it out. I've done the fighting and even though I'm bone tired, I still need the fucking.
He gives me a salute and begins to pack his bag. 'See you at 7am tomorrow at Grey House.'
I throw a towel over my shoulder and walk to the elevator. Memories of Ana in those tight pants pressed up against the wall while I palmed her ass flood me and in an instant I'm hard and angry. That will never happen again. Regret shoots through me.
Mrs. Jones brings my dinner to me in my office after I shower and dress in sweats. The Japanese plant manager has totally ignored my directive to fire three dead weight administrators and I deal harshly with him. It's the perfect excuse to verbally rip someone to shreds and when I hang up I feel a hundred pounds lighter. My cell vibrates on my desk, I look over to see Elliot's name and hit ignore. He calls back again and then once again two minutes later. I glance at the clock, 9:45, and I'm suddenly concerned. He never usually calls this late and definitely not three times in a row.
'Grey.'
'Fuck man! Where the fuck were you? Ana's been attacked, Kate just took her to Northwest Hospital.' My world begins to spin around me, my fingers numb and my legs tingling.
'Where? Who? Is she ok? Fuck, I'm on my way.'
I'm halfway to the elevator before I remember my shoes and before Elliot can explain anything to me I'm on my way down to the car and heading out to Northwest.
'Outside of her apartment, I don't know. She seems ok, Kate said she's hurt but I don't know much more than that.'
'Where the FUCK was her protection? FUCK!' I yell and then hang up, throwing the phone on the seat next to me. I'm driving as fast as these city streets will let me, not bothering to call Taylor or Sawyer or anyone else. Every single one of them is fired. The only person in the entire world right now is Ana and I can't get to her fast enough.
My phone continues to buzz and I see Taylor's name and then Sawyers but I ignore all of it, I don't have the ability to do anything but focus on getting to the hospital. I toss my keys to the ER valet who all but comes when he sees my car but at this point, he can fucking have it, just get me inside.
Elliot is standing at the entrance to the emergency room and he rushes over to me before I break the glass door separating me from the patient rooms in the back.
'Where is she?'
'She's with mom right now, Kate just texted me that they're taking her for x-rays and then she'll be able to see people. She's alright, Christian, mom said Sawyers the one who needs the medical attention.'
That stops me in my tracks and I run my hands through my hair before I notice him doing the same thing.
'What?'
'Sawyer is getting about 40 stitches right now. Whoever attacked Ana had a knife and slashed him across his arm and chest pretty deeply when he intervened.'
Oh my god. He had a knife. He could have killed her. The room comes crashing down on me while Elliot grips my upper arms and pushes me into a chair. A nurse comes by and pushes my head between my legs, urging me to breath in and out but the room keeps spinning and the roar in my head blocks out all sound except the chant of, 'She could have been killed. She could have been killed. She could have been killed.'
'Christian, she's alright. Sawyer is alright. He said he knows who the guy was and that Taylor has already alerted the police and is working with them to find him.'
'He got away?!' I bellow and the nurse steps back in alarm.
'Barely. Sawyer was bleeding pretty badly and while he was able to get a few substantial blows in, the fucker had a car and took off.' He picks up his phone and scrolls quickly through it before continuing. 'Kate's text says that Ana told her the guy was Jack Hyde.'
'Threats of violence and mayhem will only get you arrested and committed here, Mr. Grey. Your girlfriend is in radiology right now, there's nothing we can do to admit access to her until she's finished.' Fucking nurse on a fucking power trip.
Girlfriend. It helps to calm me. Girlfriend. Girlfriend. I like it.
'What about Luke Sawyer?'
'He's still being stitched by the attending physician but he seems to be fine otherwise. He's asked that he be allowed to speak with you as soon as possible.'
I look at her and drop my head, gesturing for her to let me in then. She smiles and tells me to take a seat, she'll let me know when Sawyer is available as well. Does she know who the fuck I am?!
I finally call Taylor back, he's speaking with the investigator assigned to the case. Apparently throwing around the phrase, 'Christian Grey's girlfriend' makes shit happen quickly in the SPD.
'Sir we've not been able to determine much since our contact with both Sawyer and Ms. Steele has been limited but I can tell you that according to the convention staff, Hyde hasn't checked out of his room but he hasn't been seen in two days. A neighbor did see a light colored hatchback car pull away at a high speed at the time of the attack and that description matches up with the car that Hyde rented in Texas.'
'The SPD has put an all points bulletin out for his car and are considering him armed and dangerous. Any word on Ms. Steele or Sawyer?' I shake my head in an effort to process the news he's telling me and hand Elliot the phone while I pace the room.
'Ana is getting x-rays done but it appears that she's otherwise alright. Sawyer is currently getting about 40 stitches for a laceration to his chest.' Every time I hear Ana and x-ray I feel faint. He could have killed her. I didn't protect her, I let her down.
'Mr. Grey, your girlfriend is available to see you now.' I rush past the nurse and sprint down the hallway until I see my mom outside a curtained enclosure. I don't stop to talk while she pulls the curtain aside to let me in.
Ana, sweet, kind, gentle Ana is lying in a white hospital gown with a monitor attached to her heart and Kate Kavanagh attached to her hand. She smiles when she sees me and the relief almost cripples me.
I love her.
I rush to the empty side of the bed and search her face for any signs of pain but she just smiles at me and runs her palm on my cheek. My throat is so tight I gasp for breath but her name rushes out of me anyway.
'Ana.' My hand grasps hers and I kiss her forehead.
'I'm ok. Sawyer was there, he was heroic. If he hadn't been, if you hadn't hired him, I...I don't'
'Shhh. Don't even say it. My god, Ana, I'm so relieved that you're ok.' I can't stop kissing her face but my mom's cough catches my attention and I turn to look at her, still holding my girls hand. It's so small.
'I was just telling Anastasia that her ribs aren't fractured, just bruised internally. There doesn't seem to be any other damage other than the smaller bruises on her neck and upper arm. I've prescribed some pretty serious pain pills which I want her to take every 12 hours for the next three days even if she doesn't want to. They'll keep her muscles relaxed and will speed up her healing time. Her next dose should be at 10am tomorrow morning. Ana, you also need to limit your movements as much as possible for the next three days, no activities that aren't absolutely necessary. If you adhere to those simple things, you should be good to go in four days, tops.'
'Yes, ma'am. Can I go now?'
'You're free to leave.'
A nurse brings a wheelchair for her but she asks to change first. Kate has brought her black leggings and a tshirt which she helps her to change into while I stand outside the curtain, upset that my mother and Kate are getting to see Ana half naked and I'm not.
The sight of her in a wheelchair guts me. He will pay.
'Are we going to see Sawyer first?' Fuck, I'd forgotten about him. My mom leads us four curtains down and he's stitched, dressed and being discharged. The look of shame on his face pales in comparison to the anger on mine but Ana is gushing her thanks to him and apologizing for being annoying on Saturday night. What is she talking about?
'Sir.'
'Are you able to leave now, Sawyer?'
'Yes. Taylor is sending over Ryan to pick me up, he'll take me to my apartment.'
'We'll wait with you.' Fuck! I should have known she'd offer to stay with him. She's all but holding his hand in gratitude and I can't help but feel a pang of jealousy that it was he who fought off her attacker and not me. That's what you hired him for, be grateful neither of them died! I just want to get her home and in my bed, safely ensconced in bubble wrap from head to toe. Would it be too much if I hired three guards for her?
We sit in silence, Ana, Elliot, Kate, Sawyer and myself while we wait for Ryan. When he arrives I push Ana towards the door and turn to Sawyer who's being wheeled out in his own chair, lowering my voice so that only he can hear me.
'I'm pissed as hell that he had enough time to touch her let alone kick her but I'm also grateful that you were there and that you did your job. I expect your full report in 24 hours and you can take as much time as you need to recover, I need you in top shape to protect her. Do you understand?'
He nods and shakes my hand. 'Thank you, Luke.'
'Sir. Just doing my job.'
'You did your job well. Goodnight.' The man has a permanent 14 inch scar across his body from protecting my Ana and as furious I am that she sustained any injury, I have to admit that for being 'covert protection', he preformed his job as quickly as possible.
I'm momentarily confused when Kate's car pulls up and she opens the passenger door. I know Elliot met her here so who's going home with her?
'Will you help me lift her in guys? Maybe you can follow us home and help her get inside too.'
Elliot and I look at her like she's crazy, because she is.
'Kate, you can't go back to the apartment until this fucker's caught and Ana is definitely not going back there right now. You'll stay with me,' He looks at me and I nod, 'and Ana will stay with Christian. Mrs. Jones can help him out with food and shit like that and she'll be well protected there.'
She hesitates and looks at Ana. 'Ana sweetie, what do you want to do? They're right, we shouldn't go back there just yet. Do you want me to stay with you at Christians?' Oh hell no. Elliot!
'Kate I can assure you that I'll take good care of her and Mrs. Jones will be there during the day should I need help. I'll have my security team contact you tomorrow to install an alarm system for the apartment but in the meantime, you can't go back there.'
'I'm fine, Kate. I just really want to go to sleep right now.' Kate hesitates and then shuts her door, giving Ana a kiss and gentle hug goodbye.
'I'll call you in the morning, Steele. No moving! Remember what Grace said!'
Taylor has met us in the parking lot and has brought the SUV, someone else will get the Spyder another time. As carefully as I can I pick her up and climb in the back seat, holding her bridal style across my lap. Taylor buckles us in and she turns that perfect face up to mine.
'I can sit, you know.'
'No, you can do what you're told and let me take care of you. Are you hungry? You should have eaten something before you took those pills.'
'I'm not hungry, too much excitement for one night.' She yawns and turns her face into my chest; I freeze and force myself to relax. This is Ana. You are safe, you are fine, this is Ana.
She dozes on the ride home and the arm supporting her neck grows numb but I would sit like this forever if it meant being able to touch her and have her close. The weight of her tiny body against mine is the reassurance I need right now and with each mile we travel I feel less fear and more anger. A million directives are flying through my head and I'll delegate them out once we get home and she's tucked safely into my bed but for now, I study the soft contours of her face and bend down to kiss the small worry line between her brows.
Mrs. Jones greets us in the foyer, wringing her hands and clucking like a mother hen while I carry Ana to the bedroom. She and Taylor stop mid step when I bypass the guest room and instead lay her on the cool sheets of my own bed. She stirs enough to wake and groan and Mrs. Jones takes the opportunity to hand her the bagel and cream cheese she's prepared.
'This shirt is too tight with the wrapping underneath, it hurts.' Grumpy Ana is just as cute as ever and she takes a bite of the bagel while I grab her one of my t-shirts.
'Can you sit up a bit higher?' She takes my hand and let's me pull her up and I grit my teeth when I see her grimace in pain. Mother fucker!
'I need you to take this shirt off, Christian, I can't do it.' Do not get a hard on. Do not get a hard on.
Her torso is wrapped with fabric bandages and what looks like duct tape and I do my very best to keep my eyes on the bandages and not the pink lace bra she has on that pushes her breasts up as if they were an offering and as quickly as I can I pull the t-shirt over her head.
'I can't eat this, I'm going to throw up if I take another bite. Whatever your mom gave me at the hospital is making me sick.' She lays back down onto the mattress and before I can protest, she's asleep, her lips parted and just begging to be kissed. I lean down and give her a tiny peck, just enough to feel her skin against mine and she sighs.
'I'm so glad you're in my life, Christian.' My heart bursts in my chest and my eyes burn with emotions unshed as I gently kiss her again.
'So am I, Anastasia.'